AUSTIN’S CABIN BOOK EXCERPT
Wait. What about the empty chair?
What about the pain that refuses to leave?
What about the huge hole in my heart, invisible to the world but consuming to me?
Some days dragged on endlessly. Others passed quickly but in a heavy fog.
I was lost, unsure what to do with a heart that had been crushed.
I hated, hated the permanence of death.
Still, I kept moving, step by step, choosing to trust that God’s peace waited ahead.
Grief Breaks the Rules
I view myself as a stable person.
Over the years, I had learned how to manage my emotions instead of letting them rule me.
But grief threw the rule book out the window.
Often, I couldn’t even finish a sentence without crying.
It seemed ridiculous, irritating, to say the least.
Would this wild ride last forever? Or would it stop?
The tears came anytime, anyplace, Walmart, church, a basketball game, the grocery store.
Any tiny object that reminded me of him, any spoken or read word could trigger a tsunami of tears.
Often, I thought I was okay until someone asked, “Are you okay?” And then I fell apart.
I began to wonder if all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could put me back together again. What’s the plan here, God? Help!
Roller Coaster of Emotions
I had never encountered such a wild roller coaster of emotions.
As time passed, some days I thought, “Hey, maybe I will survive this.”
Then, the very next morning, I’d wake up thinking,
“What do I need to do today just to stay out of a psychiatric unit?”
Yes, dramatic. But also, honest.
That irrational roller coaster dragged me along, day after day.
Fortunately, down deep I knew that tears help wash away the pain, and joy comes in the morning (Psalm 35).
Above all, I knew from Scripture that God promises to mend the brokenhearted, and I clung to that promise.
God cannot lie. (Numbers 23:19
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